|Funeral of Denholm Reynholm|
Church in London
- "We are burying a great man today"
- —Derek Pippen
The funeral of Denholm Reynholm was a ceremony conducted to pay respect and give tribute to Denholm Reynholm, founder and Head of Reynholm Industries, for his works and his achievements after his untimely suicide in 2007. The event was held in a church in London and was presided by an unidentified priest.
During late April or early May, 2007, Denholm Reynholm held a meeting in his office with the key figures involved in Reynholm Industries, including the company's second-in-command, Derek Pippen. During the meeting, Denholm's colleagues discussed the company and Denholm's success over the past years and reviewed the business's annual profit at that time of £1800 billion billion, and Reynholm Industries' ownership of the British TV channel, ITV. Denholm briefly explained how the company came to be and how proud he was of his success so far, and toasted his achievements, asking his colleagues to pretend they had glasses of champagne.
Shortly after, Denholm's personal assistant, Stephanie, entered the room and informed Denholm that a group of policemen had arrived, and were requesting a meeting with him. Denholm predicted that they were there to talk to him about the suspicious activity in the company's pension fund. This was, in fact, a massive scandal that Denholm had been organising over the company's history with a criminal accountant recently released from jail, which involved using a suck fund presumably to illegally gain more money, however, the details of this have never been confirmed.
Denholm decided that the easiest way out was by killing himself. He dismissed Stephanie and told her to make him a cup of tea. Denholm then calmly got up and opened one of the floor-to-ceiling windows, before walking straight out of it, falling at least 30-stories to his death. During his descent, Denholm passed many windows of the building and frightened the occupants of the different floors. Denholm's body was discovered shortly afterward and the news of his death spread quickly throughout the building.
Denholm's second-in-command, Derek Pippen, patrolled the offices of Reynholm Industries, as he, now the head of the company, wanted to make some new changes to how it ran. When he reached the IT Department, he informed the workers there that it was very likely that they would all be fired, as he expressed plans to convert the entire floor into a big toilet. Head of the department, Jen Barber, told her colleagues to be on their best behaviour during the funeral to try and prove to Pippen that the department was worthy of its place at Reynholm Industries.
The funeral began at 3:00 pm on May 3, 2007, in a Protestant church in London, England. All meetings and events in Reynholm Industries were postponed and any employee of the company who wished to attend was present, as was Denholm's close family and friends. Guests began arriving twenty minutes in advance, each being greeted by Denholm's wife, Barbara, and the new Head of Reynholm Industries, Derek Pippen. A slow organ hymn played as the guests arrived at the church and took their seats.
- Douglas Reynholm
- Barbara Reynholm
- Derek Pippen
- Roy Trenneman
- Maurice Moss
- Jen Barber
- Other Reynholm Industries staff
- "Death! Death is coming! Death is here! Death is outside. There is no escape. Who's that knocking at the door? Yes, it's death. Death came for Denholm just as he will come for you. Who will be next? You? Maybe you?"
- —The viar's opening speech at Denholm's funeral
The ceremony began with an alarming speech by the vicar about the dangers of death and how all of us will eventually die one day. This put one of the attendants, Roy Trenneman, on edge, as he had been told by a website that he was so unhealthy that he was going to die at three o'clock that day. Throughout the ceremony, Roy had been looking at a grandfather clock at the side of the church, as it slowly counted down to three o'clock. Three o'clock came and went, and Roy was relatively unharmed, until all of a sudden he stood up in the middle of the church and began crying in agony, shouting for someone to call him an ambulance. This lasted for a few seconds until Roy realised that his pain was being caused by the extremely high vibration setting that had been set on his phone. He quickly apologised for his outburst and sat back down, much to the embarrassment of his co-workers Maurice Moss and Jen Barber.The funeral continued with a DVD presentation of Denholm, who, in the video, was talking about how his family had all died of smoking-related illnesses and he predicted that smoking would be the cause of his death. Moss took it upon himself to inform the tape that he was wrong, again embarrassing his co-worker Jen Barber. The video continued to play, in which Denholm continued to smoke a cigarette. Jen, who had not smoked in three years, had a sudden urge to have a cigarette and left the church. Outside, she spotted a small cigarette butt in a drain and, out of desperation, began smoking it.
Meanwhile in the church, Derek Pippen rose from his seat and began reciting a eulogy which he had taken from the film Four Weddings and a Funeral. He was not a few sentences into the speech when all of a sudden, the church doors swung open to reveal Denholm's son, Douglas Reynholm, who had not been seen since a lengthy sexual harassment court trial in 2000. Douglas rushed down the aisle to the altar and knocked of his father's coffin in his suffering, continually shouting the word "Father!". After briefly fighting the vicar, spotted Jen re-entering the church, and asked her her name and what she was doing after the funeral.
Douglas was then interrupted by the vicar who told him that Denholm had prepared another DVD in the event of Douglas' sudden reappearance. The DVD was much the same as the previous one, except in this one Denholm told Douglas that he was now the Head of Reynholm Industries, but Denholm asked Douglas to promise in front of all his new employees that he would never become involved in a sexual harassment case again. Denholm then instructed Douglas to stop the DVD and watch it privately at home. Douglas, however, decided to leave the tape running to show his trust in his new employees. However, the DVD continued to show Denholm then giving details about how he pulled off the scandal that made him a multi-billionaire and how to keep the scandal going. Douglas then attempted to stop the DVD and eventually resorted to pulling the DVD player out of its socket. Douglas then left the church quickly, and on his way out, told Derek Pippen that he was hiring new employees and that he was immediately fired.
Following the funeral, all employees returned to Reynholm Industries and got back on with their daily routines. Jen Barber, however, returned home where she smokes several hundreds of cigarettes and watched Eastenders. Meanwhile Roy and Moss set up Douglas' new computer and unwittingly told him how to delete all records of the pension funds of Reynholm Industries. Roy and Moss then decided to pull a prank on their new boss by setting the vibration setting on his phone extremely high before giving it to him. Douglas then sent the team away and took down the resident picture of his father and replaced it with his own, only for his phone to go off in his pocket, giving him immense sexual pleasure.